Carolyn's Testimony

I was born into a Catholic family, the youngest of four.  I had three older brothers and was the spoiled baby of the family.  I liked to play with tanks and soldiers instead of dolls.  I loved my grandmother dearly; although, she was an alcoholic who drank during the holidays.  Those times that most people enjoy, I dreaded because of the drinking. 

I was a shy, lonely teenager, though most thought I was a snob.  When a young man displayed an interest in me, I couldn’t believe it!  We had so much in common: both our fathers were military men & both of us came from alcoholic families...we were meant to be together. We enjoyed drinking, smoking grass, & sex.  We decided to marry and had a church wedding.

I had a good job and wanted to go to college, but Shaun could not seem to hold a job.  He wanted us to join the military.  Just as we were making our plans, the unthinkable happened - I became pregnant.  I didn’t know anything about taking care of a baby.  It would ruin our plans.  I went to Planned Parenthood to take a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I shared my story with the lady at the clinic.  She knew just how to make the problem go away.  It was easy, harmless, and quick.  My husband thought it was a great way out.   Of course, this easy solution was an abortion.

I drove myself to Fresno, alone.  I don’t really remember much of what happened except when it was over, I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  My life could go on as planned.  We joined the military and ended up in Germany.  Then began the life of drugs, alcohol & adultery.  It was on vicious, self-destructive cycle.  At the end of our enlistment, we returned to California, our marriage in crisis.  Something was wrong, but what?  A baby…that would fix it.  After giving birth to our baby, I realized I had two babies to take care of.  Eventually, Shaun quit coming home, and I made a life for Beverly and myself. 

I came back to the Hanford-Lemoore area, where I was from, and got a job at Kmart.  The hours were long and I knew something was wrong.  There was an empty space inside my heart.  After some time, I realized I needed God in my life, and I started the spiritual journey.  With the presence of God, I came to realize that I had taken a life with the past abortion, and I needed forgiveness.  I knew God forgave me as soon as I asked, but forgiving myself was not the hard part.  If people knew, they would hate me and realize what a terrible person I was.

Through programs like Rachel's Vineyard and Silent Voices I was able to face the grief and walk in the forgiveness and freedom God had already given me.  I talked to a priest and others who helped me realize that God had a mission for me.  I had to share my wound with other women, and help them heal.  I accepted responsibility for my actions and knew that others need to hear my story.