Carrie's Testimony

As a girl, I set a standard for myself to save sex for marriage.  I was 18 and getting ready to graduate high school when that standard was broken.   It was a devastating reality, but instead starting over and trying again to stay pure, I gave in and continued having sex with my boyfriend.  While most of my life was spent living with my mom, I lived with my dad and step mom in Germany the last two years of high school.  The summer before starting college at Texas Christian University (TCU), I stayed with my mom in Ohio.   My boyfriend and his family relocated to Pennsylvania. 

After being in Ohio a short time, I discovered I was pregnant.  I took several tests hoping the results were wrong, but I was, indeed, pregnant.  I called my boyfriend to tell him the news and as if he knew what I was going to say, he asked me to marry him.  I rejected his request because it wasn’t the choice I wanted to make.   His next request was that I have an abortion.  I told him I couldn’t because I knew abortion was wrong.  My original plan was to choose adoption for my child.  As a military dependent at 18, my doctor visits were both free and confidential.  I thought I could go to college and carry the baby to term, then choose adoption; keeping the secret from friends and family. 

The idea of allowing someone else to raise my child became too painful and fear of exposing my sin mounted.  I was scared of ruining my pristine reputation as the virgin and good Christian girl.  Up until that point, I had been the victim in life, now; I was the one who had committed wrong.  I also had plans of college in the fall; being a single mom was not apart of that plan.  I wanted to go back in time, and prayed I would wake up and no longer be pregnant, but, of course, that never happened.  Finally, I allowed fear and the voice of my boyfriend’s request to control me. 

My boyfriend’s mom made an appointment and I boarded a bus to Pennsylvania.  My boyfriend, his mom and I went to the appointment.  It was nothing like what I had envisioned.  There were no picketers - no commotion at all.  It was a quiet office in suburban office complex.  The doctor performed other procedures besides abortion, so it just looked like a regular doctor’s office.  My boyfriend paid for the abortion.  I filled out some papers and took a valium before heading to an examination room.  I got on the table, while the doctor looked at the ultrasound – I was not allowed to see.  He thought I was about 6-8 weeks along.   A nurse came into the room and held my hand during the procedure.  The doctor started the sucking process and the pain began.  The nurse told me to breathe, but I couldn’t – the cramping in my abdomen was more than I could bear.  When it was over, the doctor told me the pain would get a little worse before it got better.  I was given milk and cookies to help stop the cramps, but I still recall crying in pain.  The doctor attempted to lighten the mood by making jokes about a promise of my future fertility.  I stayed a few days at my boyfriend’s house before returning to Ohio. 

I went to college at the end of the summer.  As I started a new life in a place where I knew no one, I was left alone with my thoughts.  The reality of my choice settled in – I had killed my baby!  I went to a place of utter despair and spent my first year of college an emotional wreck.  I can recall people in my dorm hearing me crying in the bathroom and asking if I was okay, but the truth was - I wasn’t.   The pain didn’t subside; I just got better at suppressing it. 

In my junior year, I confided in a Bible study leader about my past abortion, and she suggested I attend a support group at the local pregnancy care center.  I decided to join the group and began my journey of healing.  The pain from this experience never completely disappears, but as I worked through the grief, I was able to function without suppressing memories.  Now, at times, certain places or circumstances stir up emotions within me, but I am able to see a baby, talk about abortion and hear people’s opinions without getting defensive and distraught.  It was important for me to not only understand that I was forgiven, but also deal with the grief that was in my heart.  I needed to allow my heart to experience the pain of that choice so that I could move on with life.  It’s a journey that takes a lifetime.  While I regret my choice of abortion, I will never regret facing the pain.