"...desperately wanted something of her own to love..."
I was a freshman, excited to start high school; excited for all the new friends I would make. During the
summer, I fell in love and found out I was pregnant halfway into my freshman year. As a daughter
to alcohol-dependent parents, I was out a lot and hung out with an older crowd, Seniors to be exact. When I shared with them that I was pregnant, they said “oh no honey, you have your whole life ahead of you, you need to have an abortion”. So I did.
That day was the worst day of my life. Behind the front I had to put up to “fit in” with the “older crowd,” was a child-woman that desperately wanted something of her own to love and I had to give it up. I was so confused. I loved my boyfriend, but he had cheated on me the week before, so I was gonna teach him. Well, little did I know that the selfish decision I would make, would change my life. Physically, Spiritually, Mentally and Emotionally.
I became pregnant again shortly after, with a new found love that today is still my husband. I became pregnant seven more times, with hopes and desires that this time would fill the lost void in my heart that I gave up. Two more of those pregnancies ended in abortion. But five of my pregnancies gave me five beautiful, healthy children. Three boys and two girls. Yes, I was blessed beyond wonder.
But the voids were still there. I loved them unconditionally, but I knew something was deeply missing. There was a bond missing. A wall in between us that I cannot describe, a fear of getting hurt if I exposed my true feelings. Yes, to my very own children. Also what came along with the void was a great fear that was diagnosed as Major Depression and Anxiety in 2013. I now believe that was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I lived over 24 years in my marriage trying to control my husbands Saturday softball habits. When the weekend drew near, this fear arose in me that I was going to be left alone, abandoned, rejected. So I lived my weekends in a dark room, crying with despair. Sunday night came around and I was ecstatic to have my husband back. I relived this cycle for years.
In August 2013, God was ready to deal with it, the secret I held inside for so many years that left me guilty, ashamed, with tormented thoughts. Thoughts that I wasn’t worth it, that I would be left alone for the rest of my life, that I was useless. It was an unhealthy dependency on my husband that caused our marriage many, many fights.
I couldn’t deal with life stresses, because an anxiety would rise up, so you can see how that could affect family life, work life and relationships. My doctor took me off of work after a major anxiety attack. I cried for weeks, until I finally went to see someone in the mental health department that put me on depression and anxiety medication. I was off of work for eight months, going through group and individual therapy.
The Lord told me it was time for healing from my abortions, but of course, when I mentioned to my therapist that the symptoms I was experiencing were from my abortions, she didn’t believe me or pay any attention to it. Then came the Surrendering the Secret course - I remember Cheryl coming to speak at our church one morning, so I looked for her on Facebook and messaged her, asked her of any Abortion Healing classes. To my surprise, she had just started one. I went in immediately to pay the fee, and started the course the next week.
I went through the 10 week course, and I shared my horrid experience with others that were going through the exact same thing. We exposed our secrets together, with no judgment, or condemnation, they understood my pain, and I theirs. Great healing occurred through this course.
An after Abortion Healing Retreat was an option, and since I knew God had set me aside at this time in my life, I took advantage of my time off from work. That March, I went up to the mountain, and let God do a mighty great work in me, It was a quiet time of rest relaxation and surrendering my painful heartache to God. He never disappoints, never. It has changed me tremendously.
Weeks later, my husband mentioned to me that he had a tournament. I didn’t fear and I didn’t let him ruin my weekends any longer. I now use the weekends as quality time with my beautiful children that had needed me all along. I wasted years of not spending quality time with them, because of my brokenness, and every Saturday since, I have not missed a beat with them. One month after the Retreat, in April, I returned back to work full time and I am a new person. I am no longer tormented by my past, or the what if’s.
I know that I will see my beautiful babies again, and I have found forgiveness! I allowed myself to believe that not only has the Lord forgiven me, but my babies have forgiven me, so now I can forgive myself! Thank you for this opportunity to tell my story.