"I wanted just one person to tell me I could have my baby..."
As a 19-year-old college student, I was far away from my family and the Christian beliefs I grew up with. I fell in love with a handsome, foreign exchange student. It all seemed so romantic and he was the first boy I ever dated. Later, I became an obedient wife turning my back on my Christian faith.
When we discovered I was pregnant, we were so happy God had given us a child. We planned for our baby. But the father of my baby changed his mind. He would lose his scholarship and be sent back to his country if we allowed our son to live. He told me our child wasn’t really a baby ... abortion was allowed in his faith ... and his mother had even had one. He lied. He told me we would have other children. I wanted this baby. I already felt him and the changes with my body.
The father of my baby went with me to that horrible abortion mill behind McDonald’s. June 4th is frozen in my heart forever. I was terrified, trapped, and alone. I was lead to a room not much larger than a closet. No chairs ... just benches built into the walls. Ten girls huddled together in our paper gowns waiting for our names to be called so our babies’ lives would end. Someone called my name. I wanted to run away but I didn’t. I wanted just one person to tell me I could have my baby ... but no one did.
Terrified, I laid on the gurney. Please don’t kill my baby I screamed in my head, but I was frozen. I couldn’t move. Why didn’t I run? The room was cold and sterile; a male doctor ripped my baby out of me. Then it was over. I shut down all my feelings and emotions surrounding the abortion. I told myself it was so easy. I lied. I stayed with the father of my baby five more, painful years before I had the courage to leave him and have our marriage annulled.
The nightmares started, Nightmares of my returning home to find slaughtered babies throughout the house. I went to confess- ion: God forgave me but I couldn’t forgive myself. I had killed my precious son. What kind of mother would do such a horrible act? I couldn’t accept God’s love for me because I couldn’t love myself. Depressed and despondent I was in a very dark place and considered ending my life. I made a serious attempt to end my life but by God’s grace and unfailing love for me, I survived.
But God brought the people into my life that would help me realize His unconditional love for me. His mercy and forgiveness was poured out to me. I embraced my Christian faith once again. Through Project Rachel and The IRMA Network, I learned to forgive myself for taking my son’s life. As God continued to heal me I learned of the strong relationship between women who were molested as children going on to have abortions later in life. Our bodies had already been violated as children so abortion was one more violation and we were certainly used to that.
Later, while attending Church I met a wonderful, Christian man. We were married in the Church. He didn’t judge me for my past. We wanted to start our family but discovered we couldn’t make babies together. But God brought two courageous and loving birth moms into our lives. Through adoption we were blessed with, first, our daughter; and, two years later, our son. God gave us the desires of our hearts through two moms who chose life for their babies in spite of the sacrifices of having unplanned pregnancies.
Mama loves you Thomas Paul. Your life had meaning and purpose even before God lovingly created you within me. I will never forget you. I will never forget any of you, precious little ones, and that is why I choose to be silent no more. May God use my small voice.